A trip too late

I hear the term "bittersweet" used a lot.  It's an interesting sounding term.  The immediate contrast makes you think of course about something very physical, with taste being something so easily understood.  It seems to very often be used as a catch all term to capture a wide range of emotions and experiences rather than necessarily trying to pinpoint something more specific.  I never thought too much about it until now.  This was the first time I felt I understood the idea more.  I was experiencing the swaying back and forth between happiness and sadness.  The strange and conflicting feelings of joy and deep bitterness.

Our trip had been planned months in advance.  I had spoken with Maya about it.  We were going to try to visit her.  Along with Todd and Phil, we wanted to see her again.  Our calls were becoming more frequent and urgent.  We all knew that Maya didn't have long.  When we saw her last, it was with the happiness that she had overcome the struggles.  It wasn't to last.  The spectre had just been hiding and it returned.  Things seemed to slowly approach, and then they started to accelerate.  Through pained messages and tearful calls, we knew that we may not make it.  We all tried to assure her that this wasn't something for her to concern herself about.  I tried my best to reassure her.  If she was there, we would all have the happiest of reunions.  If she wasn't, we would spend all of our time caring for Adam and the kids.

We were too late.

Before we even left Hong Kong, my dearest friend Maya left us.

So now we were all in Cote d'Azur.  The moment we landed, I felt the intense pang of sadness.  The last time I was here was with Todd, and we had arrived to Maya and the kids trying to surprise us at the airport.  This time, there was no such welcoming party waiting for us.  We gathered our bags, went to our car and drove to Antibes.  We were the last ones to arrive this time.  Phil, Todd and Tanya had already arrived and were waiting.  When we reached the hotel, Veronica needed to relax for a moment (and it turns out so did Tanya), so I went to the closest bar where Todd and Phil were already waiting, and two drinks in.  That was a happy moment.  I hugged them both, my two old friends.  We laughed and joked.  We so one another infrequently, but I felt like we were still with each other in our lives.  I still had the feeling that we were one short, that Maya should have been sitting there with us laughing and drinking.

Eventually, Tanya and Veronica joined us.  We all made our introductions.  Both were new to our lives and I was very happy for them both to be able to join us.  We wouldn't be seeing Adam and the kids this evening as they were still returning to the region, so we instead took advantage of the long European summer evening to explore more of the beautiful streets of Antibes.

It was early evening, but the streets were filled with life.

There were people everywhere, and the noise and chatter of all the tourists was nothing short of vibrant.  I remembered very clearly the last trip I had made to the region with Todd and Phil.  We had come in the cooler months when the crowds were all gone.  The weather had been nice, but it wasn't close to being as warm as now and there were only the feintest of hints of the visitors that come to this part of the world.  For me, this was my third trip to the region and it was also my first during the very middle of the tourist high season.  People are often wary of tourist high seasons, but for me, I often think that there is a reason why tourists flock to a place at a particular time.  I remember talking to Maya about it.  She loved this time of year.  The weather was good, it was bright until very late, and she used to talk about the lovely energy that all the visitors brought to the streets.

I agreed with Maya's thoughts.  To me this was lovely.  I didn't mind the crowds at all.  If anything, they made the whole experience far more enjoyable for me.  People everywhere meant that there was more to do.  As we all walked through these familiar, yet dramatically changed streets, we started encountering large groups of bands and singers.  This was something which had also been completely missing from my last trips.  There didn't seem to be any particular busking happening, it just seemed to be one of things people did here.  The groups of musicians wandered around the streets and would just stop at impromptu places to begin their playing.  The crowds followed, they stopped and watched.  People started to dance in the street and children bopped along.  

As the night sky finally began to darken, people moved to the restaurants and bars everywhere.  And they really were everywhere.  When Todd, Phil and I were last here, it had been far more of a struggle to find places to eat and drink.  We remembered the places we liked being surrounded by places shuttered for the colder months.  Now they were all open and every spot was crowded with people.  We sat ourselves at a small spot near the harbour.  With food and drink, we all felt our energy coming back.  Todd and Tanya were suffering the effects of jetlag, so respite was needed.  It had been a long trip for them and they were moving from far cooler temperatures to the extreme heat of the South of France.

It was late.  It was time for us to get some rest.  We all slowly started to walk back to our hotels at the other end of Antibes.

I was happy.  I was with my friends.  I was with the people whom I cared about and whom I didn't get to see.  At the same time, I felt this feeling that pulled at me.  I thought about Maya.  She would have been with us.  I knew she would have come and joined us.  Our table felt emptier as we had eaten.  Even walking around, the group of five should have been a group of six.  I felt like I could hear her voice amongst our conversations, but I knew it was just my imagination.  I didn't like this conflicted feeling that made me sway dramatically from high to low.